strangers say the nicest things.

"E'scuse me, ma'am," he interrupted his own conversation with himself to say. "Can I buya cigarette?"
"This is my last one." Cue: an apologetic shrug and a sip of bourbon and ginger.
"I got a long walk ahead o'me and I ain't got no smokes..." he said.
"I'm sorry, I am. But this is my last..." Shrug: intensified.
"Oh, no. I'ma sorry. But I'll tell you one thing." he points with his not-cane holding hand. "You. Are. Beautiful." The hand drops. He turns and walks away. He gets 10 feet away and says: "That's fo'so." And I take my 15 remaining cigarettes, my lighter and drink. Stub out the cigarette. Exhale.

I guess we all lie, once and a while.

My mind resembles a junk drawer of a pack rat.

When I was 5, my father was yelling at me for something. Most likely, not cleaning my room. I've been messy since birth, and likely will remain so for the rest of my days. Frustrated with me, he committed a mistake many parents (or anyone who hangs out with young children) make: he asked me a rhetorical question.
"What do you think you are, a PRINCESS?!" He said, exacerbated. I threw my head back (had I been allowed long hair as a kid, I likely would have tossed it...) and said one word:
"YES!"

I've gotten over that. Now I expect people to get away with as much as I allow them to. I expect them to Bogart my ideas as their own. Not all people all the time, but as an average, I'd say people tend to take what they can get without regard as to how deeply that communicates a lack of respect. I think respect, in general is lacking. And I think people underestimate each other. A lot.

I am usually overly dramatic. It is a symptom of feeling things intensely. Living life in technicolor. It does not make my life easier. But at least I am being honest with myself and giving the time that I have weight. This does not make me dramatic, because at this point in my life, I've learned to keep my 3D view of the world to myself.

I embedded my Tumblr onto this blog. You can see it in the sidebar to the left, nearish to the top. If you are into rss, you might want to add this to your reader. I will be updating it frequently, as I spent the majority of my waking hours aimlessly looking at the internet. Don't worry. They pay me to do this.

Gifts I've given myself this week:

• A 1st gen 32gb ipod touch. I was stupid and cheap and didn't lay the extra $10 down for 2 day shipping. I feel foolish. I want. Now.
• A plane ticket from NYC home in a couple weeks. I'm using the tail end of my vacation to visit some people who deserve visitin'. And I include the Burroughs of Manhattan, Brooklyn and Queens on that list. I miss them a lot.
• I've been car shopping. I haven't found one yet.Tomorrow I drive to Groton to investigate a Tercel.
  

Things I will buy myself as soon as I deserve them:

• When I land a real job, I will buy myself this.
• I will buy myself this when I get to NYC.
• And I will go here
• And here
• And here
• Last time I went here I spent $200 and 4 hours. I hope to spend as much time and (maybe?) much less money.
  

Assorted notes on the bathroom stall that this blog as become:

• Quit kidding yourself, kid. You're just as superficial as the people you pretend to have distaste for. Admit it and quit feigning modesty. You're not fooling me. PS: this undermines the rapidly eroding respect I once had for you.
  
• Your passivity doesn't make you modest. Quit loading emotional responsibility on other people to make up for your own irresponsibility. Grow the eff up.
  
• I'm framing your drawing today. It's the best present I've gotten in a long, long time. People tend to forget about the presents they promised me, so getting one from you means a lot. I'm working on ideas of something that I can make you which will make you smile as much as I did when I opened yours. NBFF.
• Grow up and take responsibilities for your actions and how they have affected your "loved" ones. It's hard to feel loved and abused at the same time. It's hard to feel loved and not be able to trust. I am not grown up yet, dammit.
• I don't miss you less, but I miss you less often.
  

I am tired of this week. I am ready for next week to be over, already. Please. No one go jogging. It slows down the rotation of the earth.

Where fun goes to die.

I have kept myself entertained today reading about abandoned Theme Parks.

Enchanted Forest
Ellicott City, MD

Spreepark
Berlin

Kinderland, Scarborough

Santa's Village
East Dundee, IL

Lately, the cottonwood has been pretending to be snow. Do not be fooled. It does not melt on your tongue. Do not be fooled by deception. Everything is exactly as it seems. There is no snow in Vermont in June. Just cottonwood and strawberries.

My car was deemed a total loss. That is the good news, I get a fat check to replace it. But now I am tasked with finding a replacement. Hopefully, something better then I had. Buying a used car is frightening. Especially when you are distrustful of strangers. Exhausted from the car-search, I snapped and bought an iPod Touch, which I am currently cyberstalking. It's currently in Reno.

I have declared a drama-free zone of three feet surrounding myself. Not invited: addicts, liars, people who ask me to lie for them, opportunists, people who are two-faced. I will start beeping and my eyes will turn to warning lights if these people enter my safety-zone. Then I will explode.

I go on vacation in a week and a half. Family thing in PA. I might try and get into NYC for a few days toward the tail-end. I need to hug some people there.

Man.

Today I raced home from work to put on my bathing suit and race out to Williston to sit in a hot tub. But there was a box by my door.
"Crap," thinks me. "Did I order things off ebay while on muscle relaxers again?"

I did not. It was a care package from the astoundingly amazing Undead Molly.

It contained:

• One issue of News of the World. It is the predictions issue! This is good, because the eczema spot that had formed RIGHT on my third eye chakra has gone away. I need to see into the future (and into souls) somehow...
• One copy of "The Prisoner of Tordesillas." It purports to be "A smoldering novel of love's madness and its power of destruction." The cover has a woman falling out of her bodice, a sword fight, and a Conquistador. I can't wait to read it.
  
• NERDS! They are special Nerds. Giant Nerds. Like us.
  
• Cat Breed playing cards!
  
• Jangly bracelets. I don't have any in my Egyptian arsenal!
• A Siamese cat doll. I suspect Petunia will soon claim it as her own child, despite my (and the vet's) decision to take away her right to choose.
  
• Ladybug socks!
  
• Two cat toys. They are a triple-whammy: sisal, feathers AND mouse-shaped.
  
• And last, but definitely not least...quite possibly the best present ever...
  I am getting it framed. Tomorrow. And I plan on hanging it so that it will be the last thing I see when I fall asleep, and the first thing I see in the morning. I need to be reminded that everything will be okay a lot.
  

More evidence that Molly was right: while I STILL don't know the dollar amount of the pay-out, I have been told by my mechanic that they are totaling my car. That means that the cost of repairs would exceed the value of the car. I don't know how much I'll get, because they have to pay me what the cost would be to replace the car in our local car-buying market, which is higher then most. As soon as I get a check in my hands, I'm going to the car auctions.

My neck has been hit-or-miss. I went to the chiro yesterday, and she adjusted me. I woke up this morning with TMJ-type stiffness in my jaw. But I sat in a hot tub tonight until I started to get dizzy (low blood pressure. I am a delicate little flower) and that helped.

I am going to watch some meerkats fight now.

I am delicate, but I can grow out of the concrete.

I've spent my weekend cleaning. My landlord is replacing three of my windows. And my cat is illegal. She and I will be in the car driving to my father's house where she will hide for the day tomorrow, while I drive in from Fairfax, go to work for an hour, go to the chiropractor for an hour and a half for my initial consult on the whiplash, go back to work while my car is appraised for insurance damage, finish working a full day, get back in my car and drive back to Fairfax to pick up my yowling bundle of joy because (hopefully) the window dudes are supposed to be done in one day, drive back into Burlington, and collapse into bed.

I do not like to be over-booked. It makes me itchy. Or maybe that's just the dust I kicked up today.

I know this is not a real problem. But my capacity for reasonable flexibility has been stretched past the breaking point.

Pop.

Brooke's Guide to Non-Douchebaggery

I've run into Regina Brett's 45 Life Lessons floating around the interwebs. A couple of them were right-on, but overall...eh. As someone who tends to lead a solitary and contemplative life, I have my own list of personal commandments which I live my life by, and try (with appropriate degrees of understanding, flexibility and compassion) to hold others up to, as well. I've never tried writing them down before. This is a first draft.

Brooke's Guide to Non-Douchebaggery

1. You can't control your emotions, but you can ALWAYS control your reactions to your emotions.
2. People can only do/be what they are capable of, on their own timeline. People's capacity can change as they evolve.
3. The potential you see in other people is your own creation. You own it, you build expectations, and you put people on pedestals. No one is responsible for living up to your standards and expectations. You are responsible for keeping them realistic.
4. The majority of people whom you come in contact with in a given day don't even register your existence on the planet. Don't believe me? Take an hour, and look at EVERY SINGLE PERSON you pass on the street. It will make you, and them, uncomfortable. Most people are too wrapped up in their own inner-commentary to even register the existence of strangers.
5. No one is entitled to your time, your energy, your emotion or your thoughts. Those are yours. Let people ask permission to be let in, instead of assuming they want access.
6. It is your responsibility to set boundaries for your physical and emotional well-being. Do not allow other people to use you. If you feel used by someone, consider your own part in allowing them to use you.
7. Logic is subjective.
8. Choose to either trust people 100% or to not trust them at all. Half-trust and compartmentalization are both examples of YOU anticipating what YOU feel other people are capable of handling. It's patronizing and insulting. Trust other people to set their own boundaries; don't do it for them.
9. Don't trust addicts. Don't trust abusers; physical and emotional. Don't trust manipulators in general. Don't trust anyone who begins an argument with "Trust me," "Believe me," "I'm telling you the truth, " or "I've changed." Trust their actions, not their words.
10. Own your own failures before they own you. Don't take your failures out on other people.
11. There are two kinds of fear: the fear that keeps you from doing potentially dangerous things, which is the fear that keeps you safe, and the fear that prevents you from doing something you anticipate failing at. Learn to differentiate them. Don't pay attention to the second kind of fear.
12. We, as Americans, are promised the PURSUIT of happiness, not the actual real-deal. Quit feeling entitled to happiness. It's unbalanced and unrealistic to expect happiness without preparing for sorrow. Aim for balance. Aim for contentment.
13. Don't lie. If you do this, you won't have to worry about keeping your stories straight.
14. Don't steal. If you do this, you won't ever have to worry about getting caught.
15. Don't attempt to gain from the suffering of others. If you do this, you won't have to worry about people figuring out your motivations.
16. Not telling the whole truth, when it is requested of you, is lying by omission. It is not less-damaging then out-right lying. Please see #13.
17. To quote my Nana Dooley: "It's Nice to be Nice."
18. Don't attempt to use someone as a tool to feel better about yourself unless you are paying them to do so.
19. Apologize out-loud when you've made a mistake. When you know you are wrong, admit it. Your bluster doesn't fool anyone.
20. We're not in high school anymore. Quit labeling and categorizing people. It's insulting and small-minded of you.
21. Appreciate the following things: potable water; toilets that flush; toilet paper; showers; supermarkets; public transportation; flowers; grass; sunsets; stars (when visible); laughing until you cry; the people in your life that you can rely on RIGHT NOW.
    
22. Appreciate people while you have them. They will not last forever. Neither will you.
23. Don't expect other people to do all the work required in sustaining a relationship with you. You're not really that special. You're just $4.50 worth of chemicals, like anyone else. Use any of the myriad of communication methods afforded to us by the internet to stay in touch with the people who reflect positive self-images back onto you. Lose the people who make you feel badly about yourself. They'll find someone else to trash. They always do.
24. Do something nice for someone else every day. Do not expect or seek out recognition for it. If you're looking to be recognized for what a good person you are, then you are not a good person.
25. Use your words. When you do not use your words, you force other people to place their own assumptions onto your behaviors. This can lead to miscommunication and confusion. When you're angry, say "I am angry." When you are frustrated, say "I am frustrated." If you do not know why you are angry or frustrated, admit that aloud and take responsibility for figuring out the root of your emotion yourself.
26. If you do not know how to figure yourself out, pay a therapist to help you. You're not crazy. You just need to learn how to communicate with yourself, and in-turn, communicate to others. It's skill-training. You will not figure that out on your own. I don't care how smart you are. You can't learn French without speaking/listening to a person who speaks French.
27. You don't have to believe in God, as long as you recognize your own smallness in the universe. If possible, find something else that is suitably large to compare yourself to; science, music, children. Instead of worshiping the largeness of these things, use them to make yourself feel comparatively small, your problems seem minute and temporary, your anxiety disproportionately inappropriate for your smallness. Small is not unimportant, or useless. See Swimmy.
28. If you find yourself making decisions you are not comfortable with, STOP MAKING BAD DECISIONS. If you don't trust yourself to make only good decisions, DON'T MAKE ANY DECISIONS. Think about why you feel uncomfortable. Think about what inspired you to make bad decisions in the first place. Fix the root cause, don't treat the symptoms.
29. Not everyone is entitled to a soul-mate. If they were, we wouldn't have fairy tales written about the phenomenon. If you believe you have found one, appreciate how rare it is. If you don't, quit trying to figure out why or what about you is at fault. You just didn't win at Keno. It's not something all creatures are entitled to. Get over it, and appreciate the other aspects of your life that HAVE worked out.
30. Appreciate that not every relationship will work. As people grow and (hopefully) evolve, they may evolve in non-parallel paths. No amount of work, no amount of fixing or counseling will heal the situation: you just evolved at different rates or in different directions. In fact, it might devalue the period of time when you were parallel to try and force the square peg of a relationship though the round hole of your shared current reality. What was correct at one time and place might not work in another: that's timing. Let it go. Move on.
31. Don't expect a partner to be your everything. That's putting a lot of pressure on one person, and leaves you no contingency plan if you both evolve at separate rates. Find someone who compliments your own life, not someone who completes it.
32. Recognize your own patterns of behavior. Don't consider them good or bad: they make you who you are. Question whether they are serving you or counteracting you. This may help you break the patterns that are working against you, and prioritize the ones that are serving you well.
33. Don't ask people to keep your secrets. Trust their discretion, or don't confide in them. Better yet, make decisions that you stand behind, and don't do anything you have to keep a secret. If you have a lot of secrets, question what it is you fear from the judgment of others. If you do fear the judgment of others, maybe you shouldn't be doing whatever-you-are-secretly doing. Keeping secrets doesn't prevent truth from existing; it only prevents you from talking about truth in an honest and forthright way. Keeping secrets creates conflict.
34. Remember when you went to the doctor's as a kid and got a lollypop? Or went to the dentist and got a new toothbrush? Instead of buying yourself whatever you want whenever you want it, try only rewarding yourself when you do something that deserves rewarding. It'll feel more special that way. Having a bad day deserves an ice cream cone. Take care of yourself so other people don't have to take care of you.
35. Admit you have weaknesses. They make you human and interesting. People who think they don't have weaknesses are arrogant and kidding themselves. Also: they aren't fooling anyone.
36. Doing something unpleasant just because no one else will do it is enabling irresponsible behavior as much as handing an alcoholic a drink is enabling. Break any codependent cycles in your life. Now.
37. Don't make yourself into a martyr. Don't make yourself into a victim. Shit happens, and the drama level of that shit can vary. Sometimes really bad shit happens. And it happened to you because you were there, at that place, at that time, and for no other reason. Quit trying to affix some cosmic reasoning to everything. Shit just happens. Roll with the punches, no matter how hard they hit. Your job is to get back up again. Do your job.
38. Hold adult-type people accountable for adult-type behavior. Don't hold kid-type people up to adult-standards.
39. Don't treat children as though they are stupid. Treat them as fully-formed humans who have not experienced the repetitious patterns of behavior that have taught you what you know about the world. They lack language skills, not smarts-skills.
40. Sometimes the best offense is no-fense. Rivers don't stop at obstacles in their path, they reroute around them, eventually wearing down the obstacles in their path. This is Taoism. You should check it out.
41. Get into the practice of stopping at least 4 times a day, and asking yourself "Do I have everything I need, (not everything I want, but everything I need,) right now in this moment?" Alternately, a good way to counteract panic is to ask "Am I physically safe in this moment?" Do not do things that make you feel unsafe.
42. Never let anyone make you feel ashamed for your passion, your interest, your job or your hobby. Instead, pity their lack of enthusiasm. Consider what boring, judgmental, uninteresting lives they must lead.
43. People are only interesting after they have experienced conflict. Pretty people experience less conflict in their lives. They are therefore less interesting people.
44. Optimistically, you've got 70 some-odd years on this planet. That's not a lot. If you think 70 years IS a lot, pick up a rock off the ground and consider how long that rock has existed, how it's changed. Consider that it probably used to be liquid, for onesies.
45. Allow yourself to be jolted into reality on a regular basis. I prefer jumping off cliffs, but I understand a physical plummet into icy waters might be too literal a leap for some people. This is the one time I support doing what you are NOT comfortable with, (#41) as long as it's physically safe.
    

Oh, Paul.

What am I, JOB?!

Picture it: Colchester. 2009. I found myself sitting at a stoplight in front of St. Michael's College, listening to The Mojomatics, at a complete stop. I had been rubbing my neck, which has been giving me problems of late. I was literally thinking: "Man, my neck and shoulder are SORE. I really need to start going to Mer's Svaroopa yoga class..." when...KABLOWWHATTHEFUCKWASTHATFUCKINGA. That, boys and girls, is the sound of me getting rear-ended. By a pickup truck.

He claims to have been doing 20 MPH, which sounds a little on the shy-side. My only immediately recognizable injury was a broken nail. But he smooshed the back-end of my car in, and broke the casings on my brake lights. We pulled our cars over into an adjacent pizza joint. His Ford Ranger: totally fine. My car: trunk smooshage, brake light damage, fender damage. It looked like a truck rear ended me. I immediately called 911, reported a fender-bender, stood in awkward silence with the dude who crashed into me. I passed the time watching the firemen return from a call with a ladder truck. That was fun. I like firemen. *

The rest is pretty standard, police report, insurance claims. I haven't gotten a call back from his adjuster yet. And I'm leaving early to go to the doctor's today. My neck is stiff, and given that I have a tendency to get neck spasms, I am taking it seriously. Maybe get the car looked at, get a quote and all.

Later that evening I'm at Ian's, commiserating with he and his roommates about how-- OK, it IS actually kinda funny that my Contour was rear-ended by a Ranger. We revel in adolescent humor. That led to the story about how, in high school, Ian had a variety of Columbia House accounts, one under the name "Really Really Really Really Really Really Really Really Big Vagina."He insisted they printed all of the Reallys on the label. That's 8 Reallys. His mother was unamused when the CDs and DVDs started getting delivered at their house. From there, the conversation spiraled into the definition of a Reallyx8 big vagina, and my declaration that active labor begins when the cervix is 10 centimeters dilated. Obviously, being ugly Americans, we have no basis of knowledge for meteric measurement. A race to find a ruler began, and I happened across Ian's paper slicer, which had a ruler on it. For the record, 10 centimeters is exactly the distance between my pinky and index finger while I throw the Sign of the Devil. (METAL 4EVA!!!) Ouch. While laughing hysterically about all of this, and while playing with the aforementioned paper-slicer, with ice on my back, 4 ibuprohen and 2 tylenol w/codene in my belly, I SLICED THE HELL OUT OF MY THUMB. Which made me laugh more. As blood began pooling. Ian declared that he didn't want my Hep C (which, for the record, I do not have. Nor do I have any transmittable diseases.) and I wrapped my thumb, which at this point was bleeding quite a bit, in toilet paper and held it over my head, which was hard because it's the same shoulder that had the ice pack on it and was aching from the accident...seriously.

In unrelated (and good!) news: I am now eligible for vacation time. I get ONE WEEK though the temp agency, and that's a week longer then I had anticipated ever getting. That means I get to go to NYC when this temp gig is over, assuming I don't get a full-time job here. HOOOORAY! Plus, I get paid holidays now! HOOORAY!

*(Speaking of which, you should watch Rescue Me. The first 4 seasons are free on Hulu. Susan Sarandon guest stars as a sort of painfully-awesome-who-I-aspire-to-be-one-day-except-for-the-kidnapping-part-type-lady.
)

whirrrrr chirp click.

I am not good at sleeping through the night. I've never had the ability to fall trustfully into the arms of unconsciousness; like a high-school mandatory ropes course with people one doesn't trust, I jerk awake just before the fall. Mix in a restless Siamese roommate and the pushy and encroaching sun, and there you have a recipe for zombie living.

I tell myself "don't worry, self. You can sleep in! You work around the corner!" In this way, I tell myself lies. I hate lies.

Here is a piece of advise: if you are confused about why people do the things they do, you should ask me. I am always right, and I know why before they do. Or before they are prepared to admit it. I see through veils and armor, like x-ray vision. No one is safe from my gaze of fire. This is not arrogance, because it doesn't make my life any easier. But it is fact. I am Brooke. I have brown hair that is unruly and curly, my eyes are blue and see the truth.

If you wake up at 6 AM on a weekday and decide you deserve breakfast out, even though you have everything in your house for breakfast in, and don't have anyone to dress or feed or speak to gently in the morning, you might find yourself in a diner at 7:30, showered and prepared to face the day begrudgingly. And when you find yourself in that diner, I predict you will be the youngest person in the room, physically, by 40 years. But you have a book in your hand which speaks more truth and beauty then the mumbling man sipping water at the counter, whose queries the bubbly waitress patiently and consistently answers with one word responses. He has a camera phone. It confuses him, and her, and you are inspired by her kindness to him. It is all well and good to be kind and patient to the people who are respectful and gentle. It is a feat of moral strength to treat detached noise created by the grinding of weight of loneliness against the soul with grace.

Can you cover for me this week? I need to give myself time away that I cannot afford. I wish I had a robot who looked like me to take my place. No one would notice, not for a few days. I'd program it to occasionally and randomly spew historical facts about Egyptian royalty and no one would be the wiser. Akhenaten was Tutankhamen's father, and a heretic that worshiped the sun and the sun alone. I wish to follow in his footsteps, please. I need a weekend from my weekend.

I hope you saw the rainbow yesterday, in the midst of the wind and hail and rain. It all seemed terribly metaphoric.

I am going to close my eyes for 15 minutes. I don't care if it's a mistake. I make them all the time.

you will know me by the bustling winds I bring.

I watched small ladies throw each other around today, and emerged to a short-lived, but impressive windstorm. I have always loved violent winds, somehow I relate to them. Nothing but air, destroying trees, rustling hair and whipping skirts around.

I'm glad I live in a place that affords me easy access to chocolate-covered ginger.

This is how I feel:



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